When I stop to think about it, I see that I get frustrated when I buck against reality, instead of bending with it, as a tree would bend when faced with the reality of a very strong wind. Let me be less cryptic: this afternoon - following umpteen efforts to detach myself from Sebastian (a restless sleeper at the best of times) - I finally managed to wriggle off the side of the bed and tiptoe out of the bedroom and into an hour of pressing "to-do's." It felt good to settle myself into my office chair and know that I wouldn't be interrupted. Creativity welled...and then I heard the bedroom door bashed open and Sebby come stomping out, howling. So much for the to-do list. Now it was frustration that welled inside of me.
For whatever reason my son consistently wakes up minutes after I sneak away, sensing that I'm gone, needing to be close again. It's not that he's not tired; he falls asleep again as soon as he's in my lap, which leads to my dilemma: my son needs me to be able to sleep and I need to be unencumbered to tackle the to-do's. It's much harder to type with a toddler on your lap!
Trouble is, when I try to fight the reality of my son's need for his mom I never end up with my tasks complete. Instead I'm back and forth from computer or chores to the bedroom, locked in a cycle of productivity interrupted that fans my frustration like oxygen on a fire.
Giving into my son, comforting him, holding him on my lap seems a defeat of sorts. He gets what he wants and I...don't. At least I thought I didn't. Today I decided to go ahead with the to-do list anyways, with him sleeping on my lap. And it's slightly uncomfortable, yes, but I'm getting things done.
One of the traditional practices of Christianity is the practice of submission - not the kind where you let people take advantage of you - but a deeper recognition that, like it or not, we don't go through life on our own. Most of us, most of the time, go through life in relationships with other people and sometimes this makes us subject to other people's needs. We can be mad about this and buck at it, but it doesn't make people's needs disappear - it just makes us frustrated and prone to snap, like a brittle branch. Submission is about embracing flexibility and creativity - bending to fit our reality, rather than bucking at it. Lo and behold, everyone's needs get met.
I know Sebby will grow out of this - this fretful sleeping, this neediness. His brother and sister both did. I guess that's submission's gift: that it asks us to let ourselves be needed - at least for a little while - because it knows the experience is time-sensitive.
