The Year of the...System?

This whole process of "parenting with Spirit" has got me in a reflective state of mind.

For those of you who don't know what I'm doing, here is the premise: At this stage in my life I don't always have the time or discipline or energy to take on traditional practices of Christian spirituality with any consistency, so I've been trying instead to reap the benefits of such practices in a non-traditional way: making parenting my spiritual discipline. Now, you might be wondering, "Why bother with Christian spirituality at all?" Three reasons: 1) I'm a minister and I want to practice what I preach, 2) Even in an age of secularism I still feel the need to model a life of faith for my children and 3) I really do want to feel closer to God! I want to feel what the mystics of yore felt and I really do want to grow and mature and live a great life free from hang-ups and selfishness! So I've been trying to notice how many opportunities my children give me to grow in something the Bible calls the "fruit of the Spirit" (these are qualities like generosity, patience, self-control; growing in these virtues is the end goal of spiritual practice). In October I focused on growing in joy and this month I've been trying to grow in love.

Very laudable, but more often than not I take a pass on said growth opportunities, and I started to wonder: why?

I didn't need to reflect for long to figure out the answer: I'm too busy! Here's what always happens: I'm in a rush; my kids don't do what I need them to do that instant; I get angry; I realize I have an opportunity to react differently, and then I take that opportunity and shove it because I've got to get to work (gosh darn it!) or I've got to get supper on the table or gymnastics started five minutes ago or the bathroom needs cleaning before the company arrives.

And so I had to ask myself: can I really expect to practice my faith like a nun if I don't live in a cloister? Of course not! What would it take to make my home into a monastery? I think I've finally figured it out. The one thing those nuns and monks have on me is the very thing my home lacks: ORDER!

Yes, I've come to see that one of my biggest stumbling blocks to "parenting with Spirit" is the lack of any clear order to my days. I can't respond to life with any degree of spiritual maturity because I'm always reacting stressfully to crises. Nuns and monks at least have the option of serenity and calm and acts of compassion because they don't have to think about doing anything else in the moment. They set themselves up so that they don't have to do anything else. Meals? They're taken care of. Cleaning? That's done too. Their days unfurl in carefully measured increments and everything happens according to plan because they planned for it to be so.

Throw a nun into my life and I don't think she'd be serene and compassionate without her order propping her up. Not even a nun could laugh a joyful laugh if she had to send her son - as I just did - to school in the same underwear he's worn for the past three days because there is no clean laundry. Ha ha ha! I'd like to see that same nun be loving and empathetic as she comes up with an idea for supper after she's been at work all day, and there's nothing in the fridge and her two children are throwing themselves on the floor, arms and legs thrashing because they're hungry. That would be funny.

Order and consistent spiritual practice go hand in hand. Which is why I'm thinking ahead to the new year and have decreed that this coming new year will be the year of the SYSTEM. According to the Chinese astrology, it's also the year of the Tiger, who's motto is "I win." Well, I'm going to harness all that tiger energy out there to beat the chaos on the homefront - look out! Roar! I have my friend Kessa to thank for planting the idea of a "system". I really believe that if I had some sort of system for meals and groceries and laundry and lunches and cleaning that I could focus more on spiritual practice. What do you think? Do you have a "system" that works for you and that allows you more time on life's intangibles and less time in crisis? Are you thinking ahead to the new year? What will your year be about?

Make Me a Channel of Your Peace

Is there anything more dreadful for parents than our city's annual Santa Claus parade? I'm still angry at the numskull who mentioned it to my kids. Next year the rule is if you mention it, you have to take them. By yourself.

The Santa Claus parade is like self-flagellation for parents. Had I worn a hairshirt I would have been appropriately dressed. I mean, why walk into this minefield? Why line up in a downtown wind tunnel in a crowd eight-people deep with your child on your aching shoulders for at least three hours only to see every tired marching band in North America, depressing clowns and tacky plastic floats? You're guaranteed to run out of snacks and water and your children will whine mercilessly the whole time. And when it's time to go home you'll be competing for a seat on public transit against (literally) a million other people - all with tired, crabby children in tow. Does this sound like fun?

This was my experience at the Santa Claus parade this year, only worse. I don't know if it was traffic overload or what, but the second street car we needed to catch never showed up. So there I was on a dirty downtown street corner with two exhausted and starving children who just wanted to get home as quickly as possible and I tell them that they've got to walk...twenty-three blocks.

I've noticed that ninety percent of parenting with Spirit involves setting myself up for success. When I am rested, fed and watered; when I've had some exercise, fresh air and sunshine; and when I've had a little restorative time to myself I am more able and willing to reach for the Spirit's fruit when presented with the option. So you'd think that taking my kids to the Santa Claus parade after a long morning at church and then having to walk home would set me up for failure. My kids would present me with an opportunity to grow in love, but I'd be too tired and hungry and stressed and just plain fed up to take it.

Well pop open the champagne; I feel like celebrating! I didn't let my negative feelings get the better of me! Not this time!

About ten steps into the long walk home, the "why"-ning started: why wasn't the stupid bus coming? why didn't we take the subway instead? why didn't you pack enough food? why don't we have a car like everyone else? why do we have to walk everywhere?

It was irritating. I really really wanted to swat the "why"-ner and decree that we would never - NEVER! - go to the Santa Claus parade again. "Why"-ning is so unhelpful, especially when we're all stressed out. But I managed to stop myself. Or maybe it was divine intervention. In any case I stopped and looked at the "why"-ner and hit a moment of inspiration. I dropped to my knees in the middle of the sidewalk and said, "come here and give me a hug." He was in my arms in less than a second. I said I could see that he was tired; I was tired too. I said I knew how hard it was for little legs to have to walk so far; it was hard for my legs too. I told him how much I loved him. Up until that moment my insides said push away! berate! punish! It's for his own good! I opened myself to love instead. Talk about triumph on a Napoleonic scale!

And what's more, it really worked. We had to stop for hugs two more times before the garage door was in sight, but we got through the rest of the walk without any more "why"-ning.

Perhaps in order to grow in love we need to pursue what initially seems counterintuitive; to pull close when we feel like pushing away, to speak gently when we'd rather be harsh. Perhaps we need to pray, as St. Francis did, that we may never seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all our soul.

All I Need is Love

Yesterday I was at the library and came across a collection of stories by Shirley Hughes. I think I enjoy her books more than my children do. She manages to capture the realities of family life so well. I like that the houses she draws look like my house. There are clothes spilling out of drawers, toys on every surface, books left lying out, and food stuck to the floor under the table. And the mother she draws looks so frumpy in her big sweater or gritty bathrobe, wearing non-trendy glasses and sporting a haircut she can't maintain. I love it! I can relate! It is comforting to see my reality in art. But where Shirley Hughes tops all illustrators - in my opinion - is in her ability to paint love. Her scenes of family life are messy and frazzled but full of the warmth that fills a home where people are really trying to love each other - day in, day out, admist dinners and dishes and diapers.

This month I'm trying to be conscious of all the little opportunities my kids give me to grow more loving. I'm really trying to nurture this fruit of the Spirit inside of myself.

I've noticed that - for my kids - to be loving is to be present. They seem to want to simply be with me more than they want a clean house, an enriching schedule or new toys. They want to play, they want to cuddle on the couch, they want to run around the playground - and they want to do this with me. I have to admit that I need a relatively clean house in order to function and I think it's important to get out and about and learn new things, and I do need to fit in time for my job, but I'm trying to redefine what I consider to be "essential" tasks in order to free up more time to simply be present and loving with my children.

So the sticky black marks on my kitchen floor are going to have to stay there for a while and I won't get around to framing those photos I have been meaning to frame for twelve months and the summer clothes I brought up to the loft in September won't find their way into the storage cupboard anytime soon. Instead I'll be channeling Shirley Hughes and the Spirit on the playroom floor with the kids, stuff strewn everywhere, but full of love.