"True North"

I read an essay this week about our universal quest (here in the West) for balance, between work and family and our sense of self.  The writer talked about the importance of commitment (read: faithfulness) to our own equivalent of "true north," that central focus or foci that help us locate direction and intention and the right route, no matter where we find ourselves.

Of course this got me thinking about my own "true north."  What part of my life do I focus on the most so that every other focus falls into its proper place?  How am I using my own "true north" to make important decisions, to prioritize what needs doing and when, to structure my days and weeks and dreams?

I suppose the quickest way to answer would be to say, as this particular writer did, that my true north is God and my family, but I have to say that when I think about it my own true north is somewhat more personal.  If I could sum it up in a word it would be this one: Integrity.

I have found that when I focus on making decisions with a sense of faithfulness to my own integrity, that is faithfulness to an inner sense of what I know to be right for me, I find the balance and peace and calm for which I daily yearn. 

I've learned most of this through trial and error, unfortunately.  I don't get life right most of the time but lucky for me (and all of us) life is faithful with its lessons; what I fail to absorb in one form certainly comes to meet me again, and again, and again.  And I have faith that I'll get it, eventually.

A Clue in the Moment

I know that stress is so ubiquitous that's it's cliche, but last week was stressful.  I had a "big thing" going on in every aspect of my life. 

In my work at the church I was organizing a group of teenagers to host a day camp for children living in a homeless shelter.  It was our first time putting on an event of this caliber and length and we had no idea whether the activities we'd planned were going to work out; we didn't even know how many kids were going to show up or their ages until they walked through the doors on Monday morning!

At home we were finalizing plans for our new kitchen, which we needed to order by the end of the week.  This meant that every evening Steve and I were up late fretting over cabinets and colours of hardwood. 

Big deal, you might say.  First world problems. 

And you're right. 

The stress was in coming to consensus.  We have been renovating for two years now - literally all of Sebby's life so far! - and we've had a number of setbacks that have held this project up.  It has been a challenge not to blame each other for the holdups but to see circumstance for what it is and move forward with creative solutions.  Last week almost saw us tear up our marriage certificate over this whole mess...but we didn't!

In the midst of all this our little two-year-old fractured his collar bone, so one evening was spent in the ER and we all suffered through a week of clinging and whining and night-waking every hour; not what one needs when early starts and busy, long days are on the agenda.  The other two kids were in camps - in different parts of the city! - and we all needed lunches packed and to be out the door shortly after 8am to make it to where we all needed to be on schedule.  Ah, summer!

I haven't mentioned that we also had a house guest and had committed to babysitting our neighbour's kid every day until her parents could pick her up after work and that we had to say goodbye to some of our best friends who were moving to the UK...there was literally never a dull moment!

But in the midst of all this stress I was surprised by moments of joy, to use C.S. Lewis' phrase.  The moments dissipated almost as soon as I became conscious of what I was feeling, but for fleeting seconds I would be overwhelmed with a sense of the deep goodness of life and a sense that in certain tiny ways I'm on the right track with my living.  I really sensed God with me in those moments and Spirit really urging me to hold on to the moment, to whatever I was doing right then.  Be faithful to this, I heard.   This is the good life.  And so I've created a little list to remind me of the Spirit's nudges towards faithfulness.

Things to be faithful to:

1. Biking.  Nicky and I would bike to his camp in the mornings since it was on the way to where I needed to be.  Biking on a summer morning has got to be one of the most delicious pleasures life has to offer.  You feel sun and breeze.  You smell fresh air.  You see people walking with purpose and passion.  You really feel free.  And I got to experience this with my son.  It felt good to move my body and exercise at the start and end of each day and I was much less aggravated than when I'm driving.
2. Friends.  As I was throwing together dinner on a particularly stressful evening Steve suggested I make extra and we invite our neighbours over to join us (the people whose kids we'd just been looking after for two hours).  For some reason his timing made me want to throw dinner in his face - but I didn't! - and those friends came over and that was the night Sebby fractured his collar bone and they took our kids to their place while we figured everything out.  They also helped us out two other nights that week.
3. Being Flexible.  There were times at the day camp for the shelter that we changed our plans based on people's needs in the moment and the general vibe of the group and it was always the right decision.  Better to go with the flow than push an agenda; with teenagers and with children!
4. Being Committed.  There were times when Steve really bugged me last week, but as I noted in a previous post I am working at turning towards him in those moments rather than giving the old cold shoulder and silent treatment and turning away.  Being faithful to the reality that I am committed to Steve - despite whatever little argument we're having - gave me a feeling of, well, maturity.  By the end of the week we really felt like a team. 
5. Gardening and Being Outside. Certain things in our "garden" came to a head last week which necessitated me spending some time pruning and weeding and meant that the kids were outside with me while this was happening.  And it was wonderful.  We talked while I pruned and Emma noticed all kinds of things in the dirt and we discovered things, like that it was ladybugs whose eggs were all over the rhubarb.  There was a sense of contentedness even while we worked. 

These moments, when they happen for me, are like stumbling across buried treasure, or more accurately, they are a like a map, leading me closer and closer to my own version of the good life.  The trick is to notice and then follow, to be faithful to those feelings of joy - which is the feeling of feelings and what we're really all searching for, all the time.

Faithfulness

This month I'm shifting focus to the virtue of faithfulness, a virtue that encompasses a whole bunch of other virtues, like loyalty and constancy and being trustworthy.  It is a virtue that asks this question: faithful to what?  Our opportunity for growth is in our answer. 

Each time I've gazed at a new baby placed on my chest in those moments after giving birth I've had the same thought: you are perfect.  As days, weeks and months go by in that baby's first year I can never imagine myself having to reprimand this little one.  I can't even fathom having to say no to anything its little heart desires!  Each baby is just perfect, just wonderful; its needs completely reasonable, understandable.  We are in sync and life is one big, hippie love-in.

Until those babies turn two.  Then I find myself doing the unthinkable on a daily basis: time-outs, forceful "no's," flat-out bribery. 

Almost every day sees me offer up an apology.  This usually happens when I've been unfaithful - what I mean is, that I've forgotten the people I know my kids to be.  I'll think they're rotten or malicious or thoughtless and so I treat them like the rotten, malicious and thoughtless people they are.  And there's my mistake.  My kids might be acting this way, in this particular moment - but I need to remember that that's not really who they are.  Their actions are reactions to a situation or feeling - and my job is to teach them how to act and react well, in a way that doesn't hurt anyone or anything.  To do that I need to remember my vision of the soul of the little person that was placed on my chest years ago.  I have to have faith and stay faithful to the people I know my children to be, guiding them toward full potential.