Generosity in Conflict

Raw would be the best word for it - how I feel after an argument with Steve.  Like many married couples we have a few "unsolvable" issues.  Different little incidents and events, miscommunications and misunderstandings set us off, but essentially we have the same arguments we've been having for ten years.

I have been focusing this month on any little opportunity I might have to grow in the virtue of generosity.  And I think one of the hardest parts of being generous is giving people the benefit of the doubt, especially when we think they don't deserve it.  Arguments are instances that call for an attitude of openness and generosity but in the midst of an argument, it is so hard to turn away from what we're feeling and what we've experienced in order to hear what someone else is going through, but this would be the generous thing to do.  I think living generously, in large part, means turning towards other people's feelings - facing their emotion head-on - especially when it makes us uncomfortable and squirmy.

One afternoon this past week I was at a large park near our house with the kids when a sudden rainstorm caused us to run for shelter under a nearby gazebo.  Taking shelter with us was a young(ish) couple and what struck me was their overall attitude of generosity towards each other.  It was clear they found each other fascinating.  During the course of the storm their conversation ranged from Star Wars to Renaissance art to their parents.  Silly statements or generalizations were met with laughter, not criticism.  They expanded on examples; corroborated experience.

I couldn't help imagining how this might change once they became sleep-deprived parents or anxious about how to make an oversize mortgage payment with meager salaries, but then generosity is generosity because it's not afraid of ugliness or anxiety or petty mistakes.  Generosity is love unconstrained by ego and vulnerable enough to say, "I want to know what's making you tick right now...what's going on inside that mind?"    

So what is Spirit asking of me right now?  How can I reach out and pick the fruit of generosity and take it into myself?  If experience has taught me anything it's that Steve and I will always have a few issues that are unsolvable.  We would have to be fundamentally different people to solve them and if we were fundamentally different we wouldn't be the person the other has come to deeply value and passionately love.  Perhaps the most generous thing is simply to admit that while not everything about our relationship is perfect, Steve is the still the perfect partner for me.  To remind him that I don't mind having this argument again if it means continuing on through life together.  The young couple offered a reminder: no matter what we're experiencing we can always be generous in our love and sense of admiration of our partners - even in the midst of those "unsolvable" arguments.