There's Always Something

One thing I can say for certain about parenting: it is not boring.  Every week - sometimes every day - it seems something happens either to me or someone in my family.  And here's where parenting really becomes a spiritual practice, because whatever happens we just have to respond, no matter what.  It is great training for the development of those intangible virtues like attitude and discipline and calmness under pressure.  One week someone is sick, another week someone has a big project they need extra support on at school, or there is a week filled with evening meetings or one of us parents is working late.  It seems we never have a "normal" week; something always happens that we didn't bargain on and that adds constant upheaval to the routine.

Last week in my family it was lice, times two.  Now I have never had lice, but my children seem to pick these nasty bugs up all the time and it really throws the whole household into chaos.  Not only do I have to find extra time every day to nit pick (I now have a visceral experience of this expression and it's surprisingly apt), but I have to gather up almost every linen in the house and haul these over to the laundromat for cleaning, since we have no dryer at home.  The trouble is that in our house almost every minute of every day is already accounted for, so when someone gets lice I go crazy trying to figure out how to cram in all the picking and cleaning that I really don't have time for.

And every week it seems there is something like that that happens.  And parents a little further down the road tell me life never really gets any more "normal" or easier to predict.  Older parents tell me they are still surprised by what family life drops on them, week by week: children in tumultuous romances, children messing up jobs, children making choices the older parent never would have made; there's always something.

Thank goodness.  It means we're surrounded by people who need us, people to love.  It means we have something to do, which is better than nothing.  Our relationships gives us a reason to get up every day.  I know I'd be unhappy without my family, lice and all.  But I could stand for them to get it a little less often!

Yay! We're a happy family!

One of the biggest reasons I find parenting to be a spiritual practice is that it is so good at giving me a swift kick in the rear whenever I get too cocky; and it's a function of any spiritual practice to make us think and to call us to account, to make us aware of faults and give us the impetus to change.

I learned soon after my eldest was born that it was really me who was "growing up" as my children aged, and not the other way around.  When I can't get the dishwasher loaded because my toddler needs me to play blocks with him, it's me who learns to be patient just as much as he does.  When the toys we just put back in bins get dumped all over the floor - again - it's me who needs to take a moment and gather some self-control.  And when one of the kids is tired and cranky and grumpy it's me who needs to be charitable and recognize that they are just having a moment and that the moment will, eventually, pass.

Just when I think I've got our routines figured out, just when I've printed the latest, greatest edition of the job chart, just when I think my baby is finally going to sleep through the night (it's been almost three years!), just when I'm about to burst into a song that sings all my praises, something will happen and we're back to where we started: routines that don't happen routinely, jobs that go undone, kids that still don't sleep.

Parents very quickly learn the virtues of humility and modesty.  I am still waiting for a chunk of time to go by where I feel like we get it right as a family, most of the time.  By that I mean that I'm still waiting for a day when I can say with confidence that we've figured out our routines, that the kids are doing their fair share of the work that needs to be done to keep our house running, and that we're all getting enough rest and exercise.

Instead I feel like we're constantly heading back to the drawing board, constantly tweaking and adapting and changing and doing an about-face - but according to one expert, that kind of humility is actually a good thing.

I recently heard an interview with the writer Bruce Feiler (of Walking the Bible fame) who has written a new book called The Secrets of Happy Families.  And it turns out our family has at least one thing going for it when it comes to being happy.  Feiler spent three years researching this book by talking to sources in-the-know - albeit unorthodox sources, like the creators of Modern Family - to come up with more than 200 ideas and suggestions for improving family happiness, one of which is: adapt constantly.  If you're doing things the same way you were last month or last year, Feiler says, you're doing something wrong.

Finally! Some good news!

I often find it demoralizing to know that I'm not getting it right with my kids, most of the time.  But humility is a redemptive virtue.  At it's core it's a virtue about the capacity to change.  And perhaps that's what children really need, not an example of perfection, but examples of adaptability and flexibility.  Because things won't always go right for our children, and the best character trait they can learn to compensate is the capacity to learn and grow and change.